How Life Became Unmanageable

My second sponsor assignment was to discuss how life became unmanageable - both the first time I came to AA and now this most recent time. I can break that into several categories:

Social Unmanageability

• Every activity I did revolved around drinking. Even going to the movies, we’d take a couple shots in the bathroom before the movie. Going to dinner in TJ, we’d drink illegally in the car (the passengers) on the way to the restaurant.
• Often going drinking with friends would affect my judgment and I would think I was okay to drive, when I probably wasn’t. It’s a miracle I never got a DUI.
• Especially in uncertain social situations, I would need alcohol to be able to loosen up and be the person I wanted to be.
• When I would drink, I would get lovey-dovey. And overly honest. And say things I wouldn’t say sober. This often translated as texting friends and feeling very awkward the next day. This was my motivation for coming to AA the first time.

Health Unmanageability

• Even after multiple warnings from doctors: fatty liver, high liver enzymes, pre-diabetes - I kept drinking.
• When I drink, I want to eat. Like full on drunk munchies. I eat everything in sight. This most recent time returning to AA, the main motivation was from the weight gain.
• There were two situations where I had unprotected sex while drunk or stoned. Once at age 21 and once at age 27.

Emotional Unmanageability

• I didn’t like the person I was. So I drank to not feel. To escape.
• After a hard day - lots of work, fight with friends, etc - alcohol would be my way to cope. Again, escapism.
• Alcohol was what I used to mourn, to celebrate, etc. How I dealt with any emotion positive or negative.

Economic Unmanageability

• Alcohol is expensive. At restaurants and at stores, usually at least 30% of my bill was from alcohol.
• I always held it together during the work day and made sure my commitments were done, but as soon as I was done, I’d start drinking. This often led me to feeling like crap the next day, affecting the next day’s performance.
• Building on the previous one, I used to hire a personal trainer and have to go workout with him in the morning. Half the time when I went, I was hung over and had a hard time performing. Yet I was paying him $70 per hour for the session.