Week 3

Tonight was my third Monday meeting. I really like the guys I’ve started hanging with. Tonight they drug me to Target with them after dinner and it was a lot of fun. I’m glad I went.

I feel like the routine of AA is starting to become more familiar to me. In no particular order, some things that resonated with me tonight:

• Coming to terms with being gay was a hard experience. That’s one of the things that led me to drink. Another guy was open about his experience. I think I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin now, where sexuality is concerned, but there’s definitely some internalized homophobia in there.
• Another guy talked about feelings of inadequacy. Like I’m not enough. Like I’m scared to let people see the real me. Like I’m undeserving of love. Still very much a problem.
• Struggling to make time for recovery. One guy talked about his troubles with work taking a priority over his recovery and he ended up losing his job over it. I guess that’s a cautionary tale for me. At the same time I do need to be able to live, pay my bills and nurture my other relationships. Which are important to me. So everything in balance.

I’m starting to feel more comfortable with my sponsor. He’s a good guy. I feel myself opening up just a tiny bit more. I guess it’s a process. I still feel a bit awkward. I also have trouble receiving and returning love. Like the guys said they love me tonight. And I can honestly say that back to them and mean it. But saying it out loud is hard. I’m not sure if it’s because I feel inadequate like I don’t deserve it or if it’s a masculinity thing? In any case, it’s gradually getting easier.

I connected with two new guys tonight and got numbers. I don’t see myself reaching out. Because I feel like that would be too difficult to do. But maybe I will see them around and at least be able to put names to faces.

My next meeting with these guys will be 30 days of sobriety for me.