Through the AA 12 Step Process, I’ve discovered that I’m codependent. Dependent on people, dependent on acceptance and dependent on outcomes. In other words, I’ve surrendered control of my happiness and well-being to outside forces. And that’s not healthy. Other people will always let you down. You need to depend on yourself and your higher power.

In particular, I have tended to cling to slightly-older straight men. I’ve always wanted an older brother, so perhaps that is the need I’m looking to fill. I’m not really sure.

Three such men are:

  • My personal trainer
  • My AA sponsor
  • My best friend

I’ve been working on detaching from them, while still loving them. Last week I told my personal trainer that I was going to move forward with fitness on my own, which he respected. We still talk every couple days, but as friends, not as someone I’m paying to take an interest in me.

As for my sponsor, I haven’t had much contact with him for the past three weeks. And I’ve been okay. My life wasn’t any different. I was okay without him. Which is probably good because he hasn’t been emotionally available to offer much support anyway. In the beginning, I really needed him to like me, be my friend and give me attention. But if I’m being realistic, I probably won’t hear from him at all when we finish the steps in a few weeks. But now I’m okay with that.

Hopefully I’m wrong. But if I’m not, that’s okay. My well-being as a person can’t rely on someone else giving me attention.

And, finally, my best friend. We’ve talked every day since college. And I love him dearly. But lately he’s been traveling and on different time zones. So we haven’t been talking as much. And everything has been okay. I miss him when I don’t talk to him, but we’re still friends. Both of us are doing well. We don’t need to talk every day.

It’s been freeing to come to these conclusions.

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